


Steps

by yuletide_archivist



Category: The Tillerman Cycle - Cynthia Voigt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-12-20
Updated: 2008-12-20
Packaged: 2018-01-25 04:41:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,705
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1632095
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yuletide_archivist/pseuds/yuletide_archivist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Story by Sara Jaye</p><p>Jeff and Dicey have a few important conversations on Thanksgiving.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Steps

**Author's Note:**

> Written for lisan

 

 

"In a few weeks, it'll be a whole year gone since my mother died." Dicey said this so matter-of-factly as she helped Jeff clear the table. The Professor had insisted on having the Tillermans over for Thanksgiving this year, now that Dicey and Jeff were more or less an official couple. At least in Jeff's mind they were, Dicey's feelings remained yet to be seen.

"It must be hard this time of year," he said.

"Not really. Not for me, anyway," she said, wiping up a bit of spilled gravy with a sponge. "It's still hurting Sammy and Maybeth pretty hard. James seems to be over it, and Gram...well, you know how she is."

Jeff only nodded as they carried the leftovers to the kitchen. There was more left over than he'd expected; knowing how much James could eat he'd made extra, but even after sending a few days' worth home with Abigail and the children there was at least that much left for him, the Professor and Brother Thomas.

"Have you heard from your mother at all lately?" Dicey asked, her voice uncharacteristically uncertain, almost as if she were afraid to offend. Jeff smiled thinly.

"Not since the last time she was here. I think she's built herself a new life helping the starving people in South America now," he said.

"That's nice of her," Dicey said, putting the bowl of cranberry sauce on the counter and wiping her bangs out of her face. Jeff's stomach tightened. Dicey had only met Melody once, and the woman she'd met was only the face Melody put on for the world.

"Melody was always talking about stuff like that. Wanting to make the world a better place and all," he said. "You'd think that'd make her a wonderful person, but..."

"Jeff?"

"I never told you the whole story, did I?" Jeff leaned against the counter. "I mean, if you want to know..."

"You don't have to," Dicey said. "All I remember about her is how lively and talkative she was, and you looked really uncomfortable..."

"She wasn't nearly as selfless as she likes to think she is," Jeff said. "She helps people, but you can tell it's for her own self-gratification than anything else. Makes her feel important."

"Oh." Dicey looked at her hands, unsure of what to say. "I'm sorry."

"Don't apologize," Jeff said. "It's the way she is, I'm just glad I found out how she really felt before it was too late."

"How she really felt?"

"She wanted a girl instead of me."

"Oh."

An uncomfortable silence fell over them then. Jeff hadn't told anyone but his father and Brother Thomas about Melody's betrayal, and remembering still hurt. He supposed deep down he didn't hate her the way he thought did not long ago, but he was a long ways off from entertaining the idea of still loving her, on any level.

"Do you wish things were different?" Dicey asked at length. "I mean, do you or your father regret letting her go?"

"Not a bit," Jeff said. "She's happier where she is now, it wouldn't have been fair to any of us to make her stay."

"Makes sense." Dicey sighed. "Sometimes I wonder what would've happened if Momma made our father stay...he wasn't the best guy in the world, but maybe if he'd stayed around Momma wouldn't have gone crazy. Maybe he would've even..." She trailed off.

"Hmm?"

Dicey swallowed.

"Maybe he would've married her eventually. He walked out before Sammy was even born," she said. "I used to tell the kids our parents got married, just to make them feel better. The other kids back in Provincetown used to call us bastards..."

"But they figured out the truth eventually."

"Guess it was a pretty stupid idea in the first place, lying to them like that."

"Well, you did it because you care, right? I don't think that's stupid," Jeff said.

"Yeah." Dicey turned to walk back into the dining room and grab two more almost-empty dishes. "You sure you have enough room in the refrigerator for all this?" she asked.

"We'll make room. You're not uncomfortable talking about all this, are you?" Jeff asked.

"If I was I wouldn't have brought it up in the first place," Dicey reminded him, and Jeff felt dumb for a moment. Of course she wouldn't have, Dicey didn't just say these things for the sake of talking. She wasn't that kind of person.

"Right," he said. "By the way, you never did show me that essay of yours. You know, the one that caused all the controversy back in Chapelle's class?"

Dicey grinned.

"Now who's changing the subject?"

"I'm serious! I wanna read this great literary work of yours!" Jeff said. "Unless you'd rather I didn't, that is."

"It's okay." Dicey's face became somber again. "It was about Momma, if you wanted to know," she said. Jeff nodded, and they finished the rest of their work in silence.

*

From a short distance away, The Professor and Brother Thomas watched the two teenagers move back and forth between the dining room and the kitchen.

"Do you think we should have offered to help them?" Brother Thomas asked.

"I don't think they'd let us," The Professor said, a hint of amusement in his voice. "I think Jeff is just glad to have the time alone with Dicey...and the feeling seems to be mutual."

"She seems so rough when you first meet her, but she's really a nice girl, isn't she?" Brother Thomas said.

"Indeed. I like her," The Professor said, "she's been good for Jeff."

"This is the first real emotional connection I've ever seen Jeff make outside his family," Brother Thomas mused. The Professor smiled and put a hand on his shoulder.

"Like you were for me."

Brother Thomas smiled warmly.

"I'm glad I could be there to help you all these years," he said. "Well, you and Jeff, but..."

"I know."

Just then, Jeff and Dicey walked into the sitting room, wiping their hands on their jeans.

"Everything's been put away," Dicey said. "We left the dishes, but if you want us to do them too, I can stay a little longer."

"Nonsense," The Professor said. "It's getting late and you must be tired by now. Brother Thomas and I will handle it."

"All right," Jeff said. "I'm gonna take Dicey home, then."

"Drive carefully," Brother Thomas said. It was almost completely dark out as the couple left. The Professor sighed.

"Sometimes I still worry about Jeff, you know? The Tillermans and his other friends have been good for him, but I'm afraid what Melody did to him might stay with him the rest of his life."

"I think he'll be just fine, Horace," Brother Thomas reassured his friend. "You forgave Melody, and I think Jeff is well on his way to doing the same."

"You're right. But as a father-"

"-you can't help but worry," Brother Thomas finished, and they both laughed. "It's only natural."

"Yes, well..." The Professor straightened his tie. "Let's do those dishes before we forget."

*

The ride home was as silent as the remainder of their work had been, but not as uncomfortably so. Dicey stifled a yawn as she leaned her head against his shoulder, Jeff was barely able to resist the temptation of steering one-handed to put his arm around her. When they finally pulled into the driveway, Jeff swallowed nervously. All night there had been something else on his mind, something he'd been meaning to do eventually, and tonight seemed perfect.

"Dicey? There's something I'd like to talk to you about...or ask you, rather," he said.

"What is it?" she asked. He fumbled in his pocket for a moment and pulled out a small box.

"This belonged to my great grandmother," he said, opening the box and taking out a small jade ring, "and I'd like you to have it." Dicey blinked.

"Jeff, I don't wear rings." She studied it with a critical eye.

"It's not so much the ring as it is a symbol of my feelings for you," Jeff said. "Dicey, you've been one of the most important people in my life for the past year, and...well, I love you. You're the first and only girl I've ever felt this close to."

Dicey's cheeks were bright red; she pressed her lips together tightly for lack of a response.

"...sorry, I hope that wasn't too forward. If you don't feel the same, or even if you don't want the ring I won't force you, but..."

"Jeff, I don't know what to say to that," she stammered. "You're really important to me as well, and I'm honored, but..." She dug the toe of her shoe into the car's floor, brushing her hair out of her face. "Keep the ring for now...I don't think I'm ready for such a big step," she said. "I'm sorry, but-"

"No, it's okay. I'll hang onto it until you're ready," Jeff said.

"Aren't you disappointed?"

"Yes, but I can live with it. As long as you don't shy away from me from now on, that is."

"I wouldn't do that," Dicey said. "Jeff, I can't say I don't feel the same way about you, but attaching a symbol to it like that-"

"I understand." He wrapped his arm around her shoulders. "Should I wait till next Thanksgiving, then?"

"That might be enough time," Dicey laughed. "Jeff, thanks for inviting me and my family over, and thanks for...you know, listening."

"I should say the same." Jeff gave her a quick kiss on the lips. "I'll call you tomorrow?"

"Sure." She smiled. "You can walk me to the door if you'd like, though." It was a rare occasion that Dicey Tillerman let anyone walk her to a door, much less offer then the chance to. Just as Jeff had learned to open up to people, Dicey was slowly learning to let them help her. Even for something as small as walking to the door.

Jeff slipped the box containing Gambo's ring back into his coat pocket.

Just like with the dance, he'd offer it again next year. But unlike the dance, hopefully she would say yes next time.

 


End file.
